I’ve given up a lot of things. I know, most of those things are for the better…the rest, well I’m not entirely sure yet.
I’ve changed a lot of things in my life and I know that if I didn’t…well I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It actually scares me when I think about what could have happened if I didn’t.
But I’m still struggling. I feel like I’m using every ounce of energy I have into being good enough and it’s not really getting me anywhere. I know people shouldn’t be looking for gratification after doing something good or whatever, but the thing is…no one really knows what anyone goes through while doing something right, or doing something that is expected of them. Or even avoiding something that is so hard to ignore that it literally makes your stomach turn.
I know that a lot of things in life isn’t fair; I know that people will disappoint or walk away and it’s a total bummer but I get it. I expect it. But I’ve given up a lot and I’ve done quite a few things to try and make things right. Now, I’m not asking for gratification, I’m not even asking for acknowledgment really…just don’t act like I never try. Because I did, and I still am. I just don’t want to fight anymore…I feel like I’ve spent my whole life doing that… I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding onto something for everybody else. I don’t want to anymore.
I never said anything about which program I actually wanted to take because I wanted to make mom and dad happy. I didn’t say anything about needing help because I didn’t think anyone would care enough to actually do it. I didn’t say anything about actually wanting to be with him because he’s not good for me. I didn’t say anything about being upset or angry because it doesn’t really seem like it would matter anyway.
And I know I’ve always been really really good at keeping things in that I actually consider it a talent now. But it doesn’t change how sucky it feels when it’s all beating against your body, just wanting to come out. It feels like holding your breath under water and all you want is to resurface and breathe that sweet air again but you don’t want to be the first one to give up and lose right? In my case, I just don’t want to lose what I’ve come so far to get. I don’t want to drive anyone away because I can’t be left behind. I don’t want to be left behind. So I’ll do what I do best and hold it all in; hold my breath until I’m blue in the face.