It's all simple here

I’ve given up a lot of things. I know, most of those things are for the better…the rest, well I’m not entirely sure yet.

I’ve changed a lot of things in my life and I know that if I didn’t…well I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It actually scares me when I think about what could have happened if I didn’t.

But I’m still struggling. I feel like I’m using every ounce of energy I have into being good enough and it’s not really getting me anywhere. I know people shouldn’t be looking for gratification after doing something good or whatever, but the thing is…no one really knows what anyone goes through while doing something right, or doing something that is expected of them. Or even avoiding something that is so hard to ignore that it literally makes your stomach turn. 

I know that a lot of things in life isn’t fair; I know that people will disappoint or walk away and it’s a total bummer but I get it. I expect it. But I’ve given up a lot and I’ve done quite a few things to try and make things right. Now, I’m not asking for gratification, I’m not even asking for acknowledgment really…just don’t act like I never try. Because I did, and I still am. I just don’t want to fight anymore…I feel like I’ve spent my whole life doing that… I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding onto something for everybody else. I don’t want to anymore. 

I never said anything about which program I actually wanted to take because I wanted to make mom and dad happy. I didn’t say anything about needing help because I didn’t think anyone would care enough to actually do it. I didn’t say anything about actually wanting to be with him because he’s not good for me. I didn’t say anything about being upset or angry because it doesn’t really seem like it would matter anyway. 

And I know I’ve always been really really good at keeping things in that I actually consider it a talent now. But it doesn’t change how sucky it feels when it’s all beating against your body, just wanting to come out. It feels like holding your breath under water and all you want is to resurface and breathe that sweet air again but you don’t want to be the first one to give up and lose right? In my case, I just don’t want to lose what I’ve come so far to get. I don’t want to drive anyone away because I can’t be left behind. I don’t want to be left behind. So I’ll do what I do best and hold it all in; hold my breath until I’m blue in the face. 

I’m trying too hard. Is it okay for me to be angry? Do I have the right to be upset? I feel like I always have to question myself, like I have to do a double take on how I feel. Is that weird?

I guess that’s always been my problem; I think too much, I care too much…

but the thing is, even though it’s all too much, it will never ever be good enough. 

it haunts me to hold you this close
but it hurts me more to let go
that’s why i’m still loving ghosts 

The morning’s here, and we’re still caught up in the night.
The sky was clear, and everything felt right.
Our time is short, but I’m sure I’ll see you soon.
We’ll take another walk along the bridge, and underneath the moon.

What a find, If I could I’d hit rewind and replay.
All the moments that I wished, I could’ve called you mine.

And tonight, I pray.

Light a way, on my love.
Light a way, from above.
Shine it down, lead me home,
Back to him.

A night away, and we’ve got a few to go.
And I’ve mastered the art of missing, and my smile lacks a glow.
That you showed me how to shine that very night.
We were entwined, Oh God how I wish you were mine.

And tonight, I pray.

Light a way, on my love.
Light a way, from above.
Shine it down, lead me home,
Back to him.
Bring me back to him.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my heart you choose to keep.
And if I die before I wake, all of me is yours to take.
If I don’t see you again, It’d take all I have within.
Maybe I’ll just stay awake, I think I’ll just stay awake.

Light a way, on my love.
Light a way, from above.
Shine it down, lead me home,
Light a way, on my love.
Light a way, from above.
Shine it down, lead me home.

and i’m inside working on this paper that should have been done already.

I’m on my first cup of coffee because I didn’t have time to drink one this morning…caffeine withdrawals suck; writing a paper with a headache makes it that much worse.

Now what am I going to do once I’m done this paper? This is the only part I hate when Erica’s gone, I actually have to put effort into finding something to do…like socialize or something. 

On the plus side, I get her bed until Saturday…and I can turn on the lights and blast music while getting ready for school in the morning.

And now I’m stalling and doing everything in my power to keep writing in this blog and NOT do my paper. So I should probably stop.

26 more daysssss!!

until school is completely over and my brain’s already started to shut down.

On the plus side, i got a B on a paper that i thought i failed which gives me some sort of hope for that class. I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven’t started studying for and an essay due on thursday I havent started.

Yup, brain completelyyyy shut down now.

I know I’m capable of great things…I’ve just been content with average. 

Way too content.

I’m not expecting an approval or anything. I do know how things will go eventually; he’ll turn and walk away with a smile and I probably will be standing there not so happy. So I probably should quit while I’m still ahead…but I can’t make any promises, because back then, you couldn’t either.

And when the inevitable happens and I finally fall down, all I really need to know is that someone’s there to help me get back up.

Because I’m gunna keep trying to stay away but you know how it feels when their name pops up on your phone and it’s hard to hold back.

And when that day comes, I’m gunna need my vodka and my sister next to me more than anything else.

I almost forgot how good it felt to lose yourself in someone else; your smile, your voice, everything. And then I remembered it all at once.

I want to love you at three in the morning, at two in the afternoon at 10 o’clock at night. I want to be the one you fall asleep to because there isn’t anyone else who can want you any more than I do.

I want to love you no matter how tired I am; no matter how long the day has been and my eyes are fighting sleep. Because when you call I’ll always pick up and I suddenly want to be next to you and be with you in any way possible.

I want to love you in the morning, at twelve at noon, at six at night, on a rainy day. Even during the days you forget to call, or the nights when I’m thinking about the two of us and you’re thinking about books and work and what’s happened that day. During those days I’ll let myself be angry for a while and then you come back, and I hear your voice and I’ll come back to loving you again; while we’re together, while our fingers intertwine, I’ll be reassured that I’m meant to be curled up next to you; that there is nowhere else I can go to that is better than being next to you.